“When we finally kiss, good night.”
After her father fell off a ladder while turning on the Christmas lights, New York City worker Lindsay Lohan was forced to play foster care and vacation in the picturesque New England village she thought she’d left behind. Will she reconnect with her father, Jim Belushi, the former high school football coach? Will she find a love affair with local newspaper editor Patrick Dempsey? He’s a handsome widower, of course – who also happens to be doing a special report on her father’s decades-long history of sexual assaults in the locker room! Adapted from the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative romance novel.
“Don’t let anything scare you”
When Mrs. Claus misplaces Santa’s naughty or nice list, then burns her famous “magical” gingerbread crusts, it becomes clear to even a reindeer that she suffers from early-onset dementia. Olivia Colman delivers a devastating portrait of a legendary figure coming to terms with self-loss as she tries to convince her emotionally restrained partner (Anthony Hopkins) to stop using his job fetching toys for every girl and boy as an excuse to ignore the looming changes in both their lives.
“We are traveling far”
It’s Christmas Eve in Louisiana. . . The year is 1864. Will Smith is on the run from a sugar plantation, desperately trying to make his way through Union lines. In the dead of a moonless night, lost in the Bayou, with slaves trailing in hot pursuit, all hope seems lost. Who will light the way to freedom? You guessed it! Co-starring Ryan Reynolds as the voice of Rudolph.
“He sees you while you sleep.”
A six hundred pound man hasn’t left his dingy house in months, mired in self-loathing and masturbating to internet porn. But there’s still time to save Christmas – if Chief Elf Tinkles (Rooney Mara) can impress Santa (Jared Leto, in a fat suit) And the aging makeup) to stop the overindulgence of candy, candy canes and entire gingerbread houses – and get back on the sleigh! Cue a training montage and speech on your “inner holiday spirit.” (Warning: Some critics have found this film exploitative and/or objectionable.)
“Since we have nowhere to go.”
Tech mogul and single dad Ashton Kutcher hates Christmas. But when he dropped off his precocious six-year-old daughter at ex-wife Kristen Bell’s cozy family cabin for the holidays, a sudden storm hit them. Will seven days in a snowy winter wonderland renew his love for his ex-wife – and for Christmas? Could! But it can be tough for romance as three-time Academy Award winner Frances McDormand hangs around for no particular reason, gets angry about something, purses her lips the whole time, and uses a big plastic bucket as a toilet.
That old glorious song
It’s 1940, and all nine-year-old Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-Shot Range air rifle. Unfortunately, his name is actually Henri, he lives in Vichy France, his parents are Nazi sympathizers, and this movie is really about French complicity in the Holocaust. A nostalgic look back at “the guiltiest Christmas ever.” PS Yep, this famous French actor Jean Dujardin hides behind bushy white facial hair in the classic scene where Henri is sitting on the lap of the Shop Marshal Pétain. ♦
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